Concerning the Burden of Crippling Self-Doubt

 I hope you’ve come prepared because I’m about to open my soul and pour it over you like boiling liquid from the castle battlements above.

I’m reminded on the daily how thoroughly inadequate I am as a human being. Whether it’s through uncensored introspection, simple conversation, or some piece of information I’ve absorbed throughout the day, the realization of my overwhelming mediocrity frolics in the playground of my mind and taunts me relentlessly. It is quite the heavy burden to bear.

I think growing up all of us believe we are destined for greatness; to create an enduring legacy that will live on in the world. I know I certainly did, and yet, I find myself a person rife with self-doubt and significant feelings of insignificance. I am a nanoparticle in this universe, though one that lacks the unique characteristics necessary to be a subject of scientific inquiry. Luckily, from time to time, I find it within myself to be just entertaining enough for people to keep me around but being entertaining is not the same as being interesting or useful. (For those of you that fall into the category of ‘those who keep me around’ I thank you. I can’t imagine how much more unbearable some of this would be without your kindness and generosity.)

Where is all of this coming from you ask? I suppose you could call it a mid-life crisis but I’ve felt this way for more years than I care to admit. I suppose it’s partially an existential crisis, because I really do wonder what the hell the point is of any of this? It all just seems so capricious and arbitrary.

Honestly, though, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt comfortable walking around this planet.

When I was a kid, I hid my unease extremely well. Back then, it was easy. For the first dozen years or so, I don’t think I even noticed. My parents were good people and living in a small town kept me sheltered from the troubles occurring elsewhere. And luckily for me, school was easy, so though I wasn’t a popular kid, I really didn’t have any issues. When middle school arrived, and I was given the freedom to navigate the world a bit more on my own, I adapted fairly well. I found humor was an excellent mask to wear to hide my discomfort. It made for a more confident and outgoing me which helped expand my circle of friends. In fact, it was so effective that, for a period of time, I convinced myself I was no longer unsure of how the world worked. Because I was young and foolish, I thought I’d figured it all out and believed anything was possible! Consequently, for five years or so, I glided along gaily, and other than some awkward moments here and there, actually enjoyed life. Unfortunately, when I went off to college, I realized the only skill I’d actually developed was how to interact with people. Not that understanding interpersonal dynamics is a bad thing - I’m happy to possess that skill, even if it has deteriorated due to underutilization - but I realized I had no clue how anything else worked. Sadly, that is still the case today.

Look, I know much of what I described above is true for most people, however, unlike others, I failed to make the necessary adjustments and have been floundering ever since.

[I would like to take a moment here to assure you that I am looking for neither pity nor sympathy. This is not a treatise on how unfairly the world has treated me. It has not treated me thus. I am fully aware I am where I am due to the choices I’ve made. Nonetheless, that doesn’t make things any less complicated.]

I guess the point I’m trying to make is this: I’ve created such an unattainable expectation of excellence that I’m consistently disappointing myself. Early in life, I would just shrug it off and be on my way, but the missed opportunities and poor decisions have piled up to such an extent that the ‘brush it off and move on’ mindset has slowly transformed into a debilitating insecurity.

We all know part of life is believing in yourself and overcoming adversity but, without the former, the latter is nearly impossible. That’s not to say I’ve given up completely, though I do admit it’s crossed my mind a few times. Currently, I’m doing what I can to make some positive changes in my life but, as we all know, making changes to oneself is no easy task. And the difficulty rating only increases when you struggle to convince yourself it will make any difference. Still, I am trying. At least I can say that. The other challenge one faces when trying to alter one’s life is that change rarely happens immediately; most change takes time. But here’s the thing: when it comes to patience, especially concerning self-improvement, I’m like a hirsute, adult version of Veruca Salt - I want it now!

Ah well, I’ll just chalk it up to another of my irrational desires that will go unmet.

There is another factor that creates feelings of inadequacy to bubble up from the depths: my world view. As I’m sure you’re well aware, if you’ve followed along with my writings for any length of time, my personal worldview is not teeming with positivity. Sadly, compared to the low levels of faith I have in myself, my faith in humanity might pale in comparison. (Although nothing can hold a candle to my lack of faith in the New York Mets and the Chicago Bears.) I know there are troves of decent, loving people populating this planet, yet I cannot envision how we combat the issues plaguing us. I, myself, feel utterly powerless and ill-equipped to do much about it. The only weapons I feel I possess to combat these concerns are my words, and yet, I’m not so naïve as to believe what I have to say makes any difference. The words I write, though their composition may provide me a temporarily therapeutic outlet, leave no indelible imprint anywhere in the world. I am lucky to have a small core audience that reads them out of kindness but I cannot fool myself into believing they do any good. I often wonder if I was better informed, had a greater intellect, or was more emotionally stable, whether I could affect more change, but one can only work with what one has. I do what I can to improve my deficiencies, however, that too, is a slow process and leaves me feeling frustrated.

Maybe I should let those who are more intelligent, creative, and talented than I handle the world’s problems. That way, I could worry about tackling the mighty task of fixing myself because, let's be honest, this...

...needs so much work. I just worry that if I focus solely on myself I will be left feeling like I didn’t do my part. And I can’t have that; I don’t fancy myself a global bystander. At the same time, if I don’t make the changes I need to make in my own life, I’m no good to anybody.

Where does that leave me? Where do I go from here? For the life of me, I haven’t the foggiest notion. Professionally, I’m at a crossroads consisting of three branches. The first is a continuation of the one I’ve been on and it is one I no longer want to tread. The second and third (going back to university or attempting a new career) are both attractive but come with the same difficulty: uncertainty. Not the uncertainty of whether to take the path, that decision is clear, but where the path leads me. I have a plethora of interests but none so strong that I’m certain I want to make a life of it. I’ve never known exactly what profession I wanted to pursue. (Career exploration should be offered as a class in every high school in America.) The only thing I know for sure is I cannot pursue something in which I find no real joy. If I did, especially at this point in my life, it would destroy me.

My personal life is fraught with issues of its own. Suffice to say, it is far from ideal. The major problem there is I have so much physical and emotional self-care to focus on that making the other changes I desire becomes much more difficult. (I know I'm cutting this paragraph short but that's a post all on its own.)

Well, there it is. I’ve laid it all out for the world to see (or the few dozen people who will read this). I hope it didn’t come off as a gripe fest. As I said above, I don’t blame anyone or anything for my station in life. I’ve just struggled for so long now to steer my life in a satisfactory direction, it’s become a bit overwhelming. Therefore, I did what any sane individual would do: tell everyone who cares to listen. It’s something I like to do. Normally I would have done so in the confidence of a close friend but that’s difficult to do these days. I think I also just wanted to put it out there in case somebody else was feeling anything remotely similar. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone when it feels like everyone else in the world has their shit together. And since I come off as completely stable and extremely successful…

Liz Lemon (played by Tina Fey) from TV’s 30 Rock

...I just thought I would set the record straight. Because, frankly, I don’t know how people do it: find a way to navigate the world in any discernibly successful manner.