I am struggling today. Mightily. Even sitting down to write this has taken a great deal of effort and determination. All I really desire to do is stride across the room, fall into bed, curl up under the covers, and just wait out the rest of my existence. (Which I still may do...for a small fraction of the day.) Apart from getting off the grid by packing up my tent, hiking into the middle of nowhere, and living off the land, it’s the only recourse that appears remotely attractive.
Pathetic, right? Maybe so. The thing is, I’ve been feeling this way for a few weeks now. It’s been building, accumulating inside of me, and recently my dam of self-control has been starting to crack and emotions are finding a way to leak out. Sometimes they manifest as tears or angry bursts directed toward myself, other times as snarky comments directed toward those who are innocently wandering through a storm they didn’t know was brewing. The latter two cause me great shame and yet occur more often than I’m proud to admit.
I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but it’s a major character flaw I’m unable to shake. It’s infuriatingly frustrating to understand the concept of emotional intelligence and yet recognize yourself as a largely emotionally illiterate individual. (The fact that this realization makes me infuriatingly frustrated is direct proof of my emotional illiteracy.😀) I have zero control over my emotions and how I allow them to affect me and this lack of regulation is taking its toll.
In the past I have mentioned how hard I’ve been trying to fight the good fight but lately it hasn’t been going so well. My motivation is waning and I’m not sure how to recapture it. The problem is, I think all the motivation I’ve used to fuel myself over the last number of years derived from a desire to not disappoint or cause others undue distress, but I’m not sure how much longer I can draw from that well. (I also question whether that’s a healthy well from which to draw.)
Usually springtime rolls around and I bounce back a bit from the doldrums that set in during the winter months but that has not been the case this year. Though I have found a bit of pleasure in being able to spend time outside without multiple layers to keep me comfortable, the increase in daily temperatures and hours of sunlight have not been as invigorating as they have been in the past. Though welcome, they have been non-therapeutic.
This has left me trying to tread the waters of life with atrophying muscles. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep my head above the surface. What makes it all the more challenging is that as I attempt to stay abreast of all that’s happening around me - personally, socially, globally - the weight of it all threatens to pull me under. (Some of which relates directly to my off the grid comment above.) I pride myself on being in the know, learning about and considering the issues permeating humanity, but lately, it’s all too much. It’s like acupuncture with bigger needles but fewer benefits. (Not that I’ve ever had acupuncture. Maybe it’s something I should be looking into.)
To be honest, I don’t really know if I have a point. (No pun intended. I didn’t even notice until I reread it a few times. It still makes me chuckle though.) I think I just really needed to share, to unburden myself for a few moments. Maybe part of me hopes there’s someone out there who feels similarly and can take an iota of comfort in knowing they’re not alone. Whatever purpose this short post may hold, I thank you for taking a moment out of your day to spend with me. As always, it is greatly appreciated.
